The cool thing I learnt last year is that external validation blocks me from following up on my projects. But it’s an inner fear really. And in the end if you can untangle who you are from what you do you will instantly become more able to finish things. Like it doesn’t matter if someone thinks its crap, the important thing is that I enjoyed the process of whatever. My identity isn’t hinged on what I produce (even if capitalism tells me it is). I feel a bit more free reminding myself of this. I’ve been drawing heaps, yesssss!

The black tea he made was so delicious with a splash of cream that I didn’t even care it was lukewarm. Cheers to getting over my scalding hot liquid obsession. Sometimes I used to reheat my tea three times in a row before I could drain the cup.

But I think maybe I check it so much because I don’t have many real friends nearby, so I’m just craving social interaction. Whatever one day I will read instead of seeking social media. 

I wish I read books instead of checking my phone all the time. 

fancy body products are a lie, just rub yourself in dirt, i dunno. 

 oh yes, I forgot how to make friends. 

my lower back is talking to me, its telling me I’m too old to sleep on the couch. My bf’s dad pinched my bum today, in the kitchen whilst I was frying an egg. I almost jumped outta my shell. I think it was meant in like an affectionate dad way. But It’s such a fine line. If he does it again I swear im gonna break something and tell him off. Like pinch my arm if you wanna be funny bucko, my friends don’t even pinch by butt. Am I being precious? 

TW needles. I take five injections of insulin a day. I’ve gotten so used to it I sometimes forget how confronting it is for other people to watch me lift up my shirt and jab it in. Sometimes a little bubble of blood appears when I retract the needle.

just giving myself a pat on the back for booking a dental clean two years in a row.

for over two years I lost myself in a pretty bad thought tunnel from which I never believed I would come out. And here I am looking back not even knowing who that person was.  

I was so exhausted last night I got into bed and had this weird panic/crying fit. N started doing an imitation of tweety bird and sylvestre until I was laughing and fell asleep holding my hand.  

its taking me three hours to finish two pairs of earrings that some sweethearts ordered from me. Because I’m distracted by everything at the moment. It’s still really cool that I am surviving 100% off stuff that I make. I mean I live off less than 500 euro a month but its still fucking amazing.

I spoke to my best friend today, she is staying with my brother and parents at the moment. Made me so happy to hear her tell me how much she loves my mum and that my mum told her she can stay forever if she wants. Especially because my mum is a scorpio and literally likes very few people. But when she loves you she really fucking loves you!!! I’m glad she has E to replace me while I’m away.  They had a garage sale with all my mum’s old junk and made $450. A hippie lady snuck up when they were loading stuff into the car at the end of the day and stole their plastic boxes. haha. My mum is an original tree hugger and my partner reminds me heaps of my mum. I love them all omg I love my mum. Sorry I can’t tell her too much cos shes a scorp and she would break, or get really awkward and cry on the phone. 

I struggle to know what my gut is really telling me. 

I just don’t have any room in my brain for reading at the moment. Its very sad and distracted. I almost got into a weird deal with a landlady who was increasingly becoming aggressive, via email. Shame coz the apartment looked sweet. But its hard enough to put up with a decent landlord let alone a suspicious one.